I’m fine.

The biggest lie we tell.
Well, at least for me… it’s the biggest lie I tell.

It’s no secret I struggle with anxiety. I have become very open about it, I don’t think we talk enough about Mental Health. About two years ago I decided I would open up about my own struggles.

Anxiety is a big ole Bitch.
It’s something I have struggled with my whole entire life, but I never realized it had a name until a few years ago.
I honestly believed that everyone felt how I was feeling daily.


Then one day, I finally opened up about how I was feeling.

Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

There was a name for it.
Not everyone struggles with it. (Although many people do.)
There were medications and therapy that could help my symptoms.
There was a way to help control all of these emotions.

Sidenote: There is no cure.
Just an FYI, for those that think Mental Health is a bunch of bullshit, or think that just taking a medicine solves all of your problems and everything will be sunshine and rainbows.
(Also, if you are in a relationship/friendship with someone who believes Mental Health is a bunch of bullshit… let those people go. Promise it ain’t worth it.)

Back to “I’m fine.”

Co-dependency: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

That’s the definition how I always understood it. Feeling like I have to be in relationship constantly. When my therapist told me I resembled codependency characteristics, I was shocked.

No way. That’s not me at all. I’m actually VERY fine being alone.

Well friends, that’s not really what codependent means. My therapist lent me the book Co-dependent No More. (HIGHLY recommend it to anyone, it’s such a good read.)
Link: https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1IUDRLV6X85FH&keywords=co-dependent+no+more+book&qid=1575425641&sprefix=co-de%2Caps%2C168&sr=8-2

And Ya’ll, ya girl is co-dependent! But, let’s dive into what it actually means, because the definition is not as simple as googling it.
There are many different kinds.
(Which I can dive into more in another blog if there is interest, today has a different focus points.)

I most associate with the Caregiving Co-dependent.
Here are some examples:
– Unhealthy focus on others and their issues.
-Lacks boundaries.
-Takes responsibility for other people’s feelings, actions and problems.
-Feels like an obligation or compulsion.

These are a few that resonate with me so deeply.
I put others before myself in many different aspects of my life. I make sure I am always available if someone needs me, even if it isn’t in my best interest.
I bottle up my emotions because I don’t want to burden others… to the point that things eventually build up and explode… into an anxiety attack that puts me out of commission for days.

This has been my life for a very long time. I never realized it was unhealthy. I thought, this is what Jesus would do, give himself to everyone who needed him. (Which actually, is untrue.)
I gave and I gave and I gave some more. When life through me a curveball, I kept going. I didn’t stop to assess my personal damage, other people needed me and I couldn’t be selfish.

This leads me to this last year and working through therapy.
Seriously opening my eyes to the unhealthy behaviors I had but have always viewed them as “helpful.” Perhaps they are helpful, but only to the other person. I was killing myself, to make sure other people were okay.

Co-dependency.
Self-value.

Two things I needed to work on, things I never truly realized were hurting me and causing this anxiety.
Basically, flipping my life completely around and changing behaviors that are so ingrained it would be as if you couldn’t blink your eyes ever again.

This past weekend I had the worst panic attack I have ever experienced.
Panic attacks have become so rare for me that I don’t even keep Xanax on hand.

I had just left the movies with some of my best friends, we saw Frozen 2, I was prepared to go straight to the gym.
I pulled out of the parking lot and suddenly my heart jumped and started racing.

What in the world?
My hands were visibly trembling.
Why am I so anxious?
I started feeling light headed and couldn’t concentrate.

I safely got myself to the gym parking lot, and sat in my car.
I started crying.

Why am I crying? What in the hell? I’m fine! The movie was amazing, nothing triggering. Why is this happening?

I practiced my deep breathing, I put on my favorite worship music and tried to shut my eyes.
Eventually after 10 or so minutes, I decided to go in and try to distract myself with a workout.
And honestly… I think I blacked out or maybe “browned” out. I remember going to the gym and doing some cardio for 30 minutes and then went home… but it feels so foggy I don’t recall.

I went home, finally took a Xanax and laid down to try and relax.
I couldn’t calm my body down, I couldn’t stopped the shaking… I couldn’t control my heart racing.
THERE WAS NOTHING TO CAUSE THIS… in that moment… nothing happened but my anxiety attack was so real I just couldn’t pinpoint why it was happening.

They can come out of nowhere, they don’t always have a reason and those are the worst… because you can’t explain what’s wrong to anyone… and some people just don’t understand.

This anxiety attack hit me so hard, it took two Xanax to finally calm me down to sleep… and I basically slept for two days. It took two days of constant sleeping to finally help get me out of the funk and feel back to myself. Those two days I felt like I was stuck in a hole. There was so much negative talk in my head and I just felt like I could barely function. It was exhausting in every aspect.

God’s timing is on point, because this whole anxiety attack happened days before I had my next therapist appointment.

My therapist greets me and asks “How have you been?”
And so much of me wanted to just say “I’m fine.”
Because that is my answer every time, and today I finally said “I’m not okay,” and the tears just poured out.

I just started going into my feelings so deep.
Things that I kept saying “whatever, it’s fine,” about that most certainly were not fine.
People hurting me and me acting like “it’s fine.“
Losing friendships and brushing it off like “it’s fine.“

Pushing all of the real feelings inside me because it’s my stuff, I gotta deal with it on my own. I didn’t want to deal with them at all, I didn’t have time so I pushed them in the back of my mind.
I can’t burden others with how I feel (co-dependent behavior.)

Literally shoving all of the things that kept hurting me and taking away my peace so deep inside, that when I hit my limit…. they burst out of me… into a random anxiety attack.

So, today I made a promise to myself.
As much as I preach to others that ‘It’s okay to not be okay,’ I’m going to start living that too.
I’m going to stop saying “I’m fine” when I’m not.

I’m not fine, but I will be. ❤

And if you resonate with anything I’ve said, or if you yourself struggle too… I promise it gets better. Don’t be afraid to reach out, or go see a therapist… you are not alone.