One of my goals for this new year, was to take a break from dating.


2017-2018 was a whirlwind of emotions for me when it came to romantic relationships. Starting therapy with my amazing therapist, has really opened my eyes to the trends I have in dating and men. Plus, growing up with a narcissistic father, who I recently have removed from my life, it’s been a struggle but I have learned a lot. It hasn’t been an easy process, but I never thought it would be.

I talked to my therapist back in October/November about taking a hiatus from dating, and she thought it was a good idea.
Yet, I didn’t start it right away. I took some time to think about it, and of course dated a couple people after. Which just proved to me, how much I needed a hiatus.

Dating in today’s society is a joke anyways.
 No matter if you are a female or male, it’s a struggle. 
People play games, people aren’t fully available 
or haven’t dealt with their baggage/past.. it’s not very enjoyable.(If you want some funny stories, check my old blog out 
“Single Sassy and Twenty Something… for some entertaining dating stories.)

Fast forward to middle of December, I talked to my friend Mandy about this promise to God to take a break from romantic relationships, I needed time to focus on me and what my plans were for my future. I’ve been on the fence about what I want to do, where I saw myself in the next five years. I’ve been really at a “transitioning” point in my life.
So, I decided starting January 1st, I would begin my time of “dating Jesus,” and focusing on myself and my future.

It is now January 21st, I have held steady to that promise. A couple exes have come back, who I dismissed very quickly, because another promise I made was no more people from the past.

Exes ALWAYS come back, ya feel me ladies? They always do at least once, and I truly believe it’s a test from God to see if we are still stupid or have learned anything.
(They are in the past for a reason. And I strongly believe if God wants something for you, He will make it clear. And vice versa, if you are not meant for each other, He will also make that clear.)

I met another guy out one night, he was very cute. We texted for a couple days and then I decided he wasn’t worth ruining this pact I made with God. I was only a couple weeks into the new year, I needed more time to allow God to prepare my heart.

I’m not sure how long I am going to do this break from dating. I originally said 6 months.. and then said until Easter. I don’t think I want to set a timeline on it, I’ll know when I am ready. I have some big goals for this first part of the year, so I want to put my full focus and energy into them.

God has been tugging at my heart since March of 2016 to write a book. I started writing a little that month, I pulled up those pages a month or so ago. 22 days after I started writing, I met B and the roller coaster of life began. I find that so ironic, God is funny like that sometimes.

I read the pages I wrote, I could see where my heart was at that time, and from that moment until last month… so much has changed. God has continued to push me and remind me that He laid this on my heart, and I need to stop ignoring him and obey.
I have devoted time each week to sit quietly, pray and let Him guide my words with this book. Guide my heart in this whole process, because Lord… I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve always been a writer but it’s never gone further than a blog or my personal journal.

Back to my hiatus of dating.
I know God will know the exact moment my heart is ready, I strongly believe He will let me know when it’s time. Which patient has always been a struggle, I’m a control freak and need to know what the future holds. It’s been a learning process to get comfortable in His waiting room and giving Him my full trust.

The end of 2018 really showed me a lot of things, which also allowed me to let a lot of things go. My eyes were open to many toxic relationships and realizing some people were only meant to be in my life for a season. That season as ended and I needed to move on so I could grow.

Recently, and pretty difficult (my last blog talks more about it) was letting one of my (what I thought was) strongest friendships go. I realized the toxicity seeping into my life, it was causing me stress and anxiety and a friendship should never bring those things.

So, here I sit. 21 days into this new year and have never felt more content.
I am happy and excited for what the rest of this year holds.

A year devoted specifically to myself, which I have attempted before but never succeeded in. However, looking back I was never in a good mind space to appropriately devote that time to myself.
This year is different, I will no longer allow things that don’t bring me peace in my life. I know the signs now to recognize that something is toxic and bad for me, and I refuse to accept it.
I refuse to be treated less than I deserve, and you should too.

No matter if that “thing” is a romantic relationship, friendship, family member, work related… whatever it is, you deserve more.

The best decision I ever made, was to put myself first.
My happiness, my goals and my journey with God before anything else in life.

Try it, I promise you won’t be disappointed.

XoXo

I wonder who you would be if you were still here today.

I wonder what you would accomplish, what career you would choose.
I wonder who you would love, or who would have broken your heart.
I wonder if you’d have cute little babies with your perfect smile, in a house with a white picket fence.

I wonder what life would be like if you still walked this earth, how we all would be different.
I wonder if we would still be friends, or if we would slowly drift apart.

You pop into my dreams at random times, I feel you there as if it’s a reality.
I wake up and smile, because I know you slipped in my dreams just to reassure me that you are well.
I reach back in my mind for all of the great memories you left me with.
I read through our last messages, of how proud you said you were of me for what I have accomplished.

I will never understand why it was your time to go.
I will never understand why God needed you more than me.
I continue to trust that His need for you was more than mine.

Heaven was ready for you, but my heart was not.
I’m thankful to know that you’re always watching over us, with every beat of my heart, I know that you’re there.

And one day, we will meet again.

*Dedicated to Joshua Leaverton and all the other sweet souls we have lost.*

It’s a complicated feeling… to be upset and yet feel like a weight has been lifted off of you.

I was supposed to trust you, more than most people in my life.

You knew everything and we talked about anything you can imagine.

You were my best friend.

You were my person.

There were plenty of red signs, that I ignored for most of our friendship.

This was something I tended to do with romantic relationships in my life, I never thought about dealing with them when it was one of my best friends.

I had never had a truly “toxic” friendship before, at least not to this length.

We had arguments and we got over them, always on your terms.

Our worst arguments were always initiated by you, and I was always in the “wrong.”

I had always done something “unforgivable.” You would tell me how terrible of a friend or person I was. You threw in my face every time you were there for me, like we were keeping score.

So, you pushed me away, blocked me from everything and when I attempted to talk it out, you wouldn’t ever listen. If something didn’t benefit you, you wouldn’t hear it.

What I didn’t realize, was during our time apart, I was fine.

I have a tribe of amazing people.  That never judge me as harshly as you did.  I spent almost every weekend with these people, and they were incredible friends to me. I think your time here, around my tribe… caused a bit of jealousy in you. Maybe that was why you acted how you did.

Each time you blocked me from your life you, eventually, came back.

You missed our friendship.  You missed me. Our friendship was unlike any other you have had.
You, sometimes, apologized.

I took you back every time, because you were my best friend. You were my person.  I believed what you said. I ignored the red flags screaming in my face.

You were always the one coming back, it wasn’t me to initiate any of our make-ups. Like I said, I was fine. I lost track of the days it had been since we fought or last spoke, while you had always been tracking them.

I didn’t realize it at the time but I was just as happy without you.

Honestly, probably happier because I started having to walk on egg shells around you. Every conversation I would have to monitor myself…
Never knowing what little thing I would do or say, would piss you off and you would yell at me again about how terrible of a friend/person I am.

I didn’t see it.

I didn’t notice it.

I was trying to understand why I allowed his behavior so long, and let him control me and walk all over me, all while I was letting you treat me that way too.

It wasn’t until this last trip when you came into town.  I started to notice it. I had been in such a great place emotionally and mentally, that my eyes began to finally see. All of these little things that snuck in, became clear to me that they were unhealthy.

You would yell at me over little things.  You talked down to me, but always made it seem like a joke.

And then, there was the night.

During that day we were out with my closest friends drinking and watching football, and we ended up back at my apartment later that night.

We were both drunk but you were blacked out and gone.

I recall everything from that night except what caused our arguing to initially begin.
You said something terrible, that’s all I know.

I was so angry and upset with you, I yelled at you to “pack your shit and get out.”  I wanted you out of my apartment and my life.

I screamed at you to leave as I slammed my bedroom door and locked it.

You kicked it open so forcefully that there is a hole in my bedroom wall from where it slammed.
I pushed you to get out of my room, I told you to leave.

You shoved me, so hard across the room I hit the wall and knocked over the lamp on my bedside table. I just stayed on the floor.

I started crying, saying how I couldn’t believe you just shoved me.

Your response?

“You pushed me first.”

I yelled again, I wanted you OUT. I wanted you gone so bad, and you wouldn’t leave… you just kept yelling at me. I threatened to call 911 if you wouldn’t leave.

And then, you looked at me dead in my face and said:

“Oh, are you going to cry rape now?”

I lost it, I couldn’t catch my breath, I fell to the floor. Tears streamed down my face that I couldn’t even keep my eyes open. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate.

Full panic attack, and that moment must have slipped you from your anger as you realized what you said.

You hugged me and apologized. You started crying and sat on the bed with me. I had no words. I couldn’t comprehend what just happened.

After I calmed down, I just remember falling asleep. And waking up the next morning as you were still asleep next to me.

You woke up with zero recollection of the events that had transpired just hours before.

I reminded you of it all, from the shoving me to the abhorrent comment you said to me and you apologized profusely. You seemed like you felt pretty awful about it all.

I brushed it off.

You were drunk, you couldn’t help it. You were MY person. You didn’t mean it.

After you left and drove your way back home, I started processing what happened that weekend.

How you treated me, how you made me feel…and then how you talked to me and put your hands on me.

Had that been B… or ANY guy I was dating.  It would have been game over, immediately. I don’t tolerate physical abuse, or any abuse for that matter.

Why was this different?

It wasn’t.

It isn’t.

I don’t care if you black out. I don’t care what your excuse is.

I refuse to ever be treated like that.

I refuse to ever be talked to like that.

After the last year and all the abuse I dealt with, I have made a promise to myself that anything unhealthy or toxic, will not continue in my life.

You were supposed to be my person.

And now I don’t even know who you are.