Hey there.
Me again, Laura.

Finally got around to finishing this up, just happens to be on Christmas as I am recovering from COVID.

Let me preface this blog series by a PSA.
I am not a professional nor can I advise you of anything when it comes to the topics of therapy & EMDR, I am just sharing my personal experiences.
I highly suggest you research yourself, and talk to a professional.
Most people have no idea what it is or what to expect, so I wanted to share my experiences with it.
There are multiple techniques and you have to find what works best for you, as well as having an amazing therapist. (Local friends, I can give you the information to where I go.)

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.

Most people in my life know that I have been doing therapy (talk therapy) for many years. It has helped tremendously and I am so thankful for my long time therapist for all of the work we did.

Over the last two years I have heard about EMDR. I’ve seen it used on TV (big eye roll) and I’ve seen some people talk about it. I never thought more into it, because talk therapy has helped me so much…it wasn’t really on my radar. It seemed mostly used for helping people recover memories in regards to solving a crime ( thanks Criminal Minds, haha) and it’s still fairly new, so many people still don’t know much about it.

Talk therapy is incredible, and so beneficial… but there are some things that are so deep seeded, you have to try other ways to help overcome and heal from them.

We can all benefit from therapy.
We all have trauma.

Let me repeat that…

We.
All.
Have.
Trauma.

Don’t think you do? Promise me, you do. It may not be as deep as others, but it can be as simple as your parents divorcing when you were younger. Don’t think it effects you? Maybe re-examine your life, relationships… your everyday mood. I promise, everyone can benefit from therapy. I will forever go, even when I feel like I’m at my healthiest.

My EMDR story?
Well, it’s kind of funny. I started going to a new nail salon and consistently have gone to this same lady. We click, she’s hilarious and after my 3rd time with her, we got on the topic that she has a history of being a sexual trauma therapist in her past. Of course, this led me to ask her about EMDR and what her thoughts were on it.
Well let’s just say by the end of my nail appointment she had given me the name of the office that I now am a patient at.

God knows what we need, and promise he will get it to you even if it’s in the middle of you getting your nails done talking about trauma with your nail technician.

I had 3 appointments with my EMDR therapist before we began the process.
Obviously, the first appointment was very similar to talk therapy. Talk about what brought me in to try EMDR. What my goals are. What my struggles are. I am blessed because this therapist and I clicked immediately that I felt safe and that I can be 100% open and honest with her.
If doesn’t always happen that quick. I’ve seen a few different therapists, and I don’t feel bad saying it’s not a right fit and going elsewhere.

The next couple appointments were spread out, because of my work schedule.
Essentially we started listing out my themes, and things I know I struggle with and want to focus on in my EMDR sessions.
Then, found negative connotations that correlate with these.

i.e “I can’t trust myself,” “I am not in control,” “I should have known better.”

Then, going through each of these and finding your first memory of feeling that way, most traumatic and most recent. Start digging deep, thinking about each of these and where they stem from, or where they were the most prevalent in my life. This wasn’t easy at first, it really took me digging deep inside. I would replay “I can’t trust myself” over and over and digging through some painful memories. I would then do this with the next thought, and it was tough, reliving those emotions and memories.

These were all done at my first treatment day of EMDR, just scratching the surface and then I was taught a resourcing technique, used to help bring you to a safe/calm space as you work through all of the processing. This work, is incredible but it brings up things that you have tried to push away… so having that safe space, is imperative.

I left that appointment and I felt really good. Some stuff brought up, was difficult to digest but generally I was feeling good.
I know this work is going to be difficult. It’s going to be hard as hell but in the end it will be worth it. I am tired of letting certain things control my thoughts, my mood and basically my life. I was scared as hell to start, but I knew this was exactly what I needed to do at this point in my life. This work was going to help me really overcome my past and stop letting it have control over me. Especially my PTSD. Which for me, at this point, is my biggest roadblock.

My therapist did warn me, that things can come up unexpected, my anxiety may be higher than normal… this is all part of the process. Use my resourcing techniques, and take notes on how I was feeling to go over at our next session.

24 hours after my first session I had the biggest panic attack I have had in over a year. I felt it coming on, I was mid-workout and just had to throw my phone and lay down and let it happen. It felt, terrible in the moment. What the hell had I gotten myself into? Then, I reminded myself this is normal. This is the work. This isn’t meant to be easy, but this is exactly what needs to happen for me to truly heal.

I got through the panic attack, I stayed aware of how I was feeling, I acknowledged the feelings and where they were stemming from. It was the first time I felt like I truly faced a panic attack face to face.

There I was on my basement floor, staring my anxiety in the eye.
Staring all of these feelings right in the face.
It felt empowering.

It also made me nervous as hell for my next appointment because we didn’t even get into any processing or reprocessing and that was the result.

I knew, this was the first step to me overcoming my past and my trauma.

My PTSD and anxiety has controlled my life for so long, and it has been exhausting.

I’m tired of triple checking that my doors are locked.
I’m tired of constantly gazing the room I’m in to make sure I’m safe.
I’m tired of laying in bed with my mind racing a million different ways, I can’t calm it.
I’m tired of hearing a noise and wondering if someone is in my house.
I’m tired of the heightened anxiety before I go into, pretty much any place.. wondering who I’m going to run into.

I’m simply tired of being in flight or fight mode constantly.
I deserve to have peace.
I deserve to feel peace.
I deserve to be free from my past trauma.
I deserve more than I think… and this EMDR journey is just the beginning.

I hope sharing this journey, helps enlighten others on therapy and EMDR.

The work never stops, therapy will forever be part of my life.

Cheers to this journey.
Cheers to being the healthiest version of myself by the end of this.

Xo