It’s a complicated feeling… to be upset and yet feel like a weight has been lifted off of you.

I was supposed to trust you, more than most people in my life.

You knew everything and we talked about anything you can imagine.

You were my best friend.

You were my person.

There were plenty of red signs, that I ignored for most of our friendship.

This was something I tended to do with romantic relationships in my life, I never thought about dealing with them when it was one of my best friends.

I had never had a truly “toxic” friendship before, at least not to this length.

We had arguments and we got over them, always on your terms.

Our worst arguments were always initiated by you, and I was always in the “wrong.”

I had always done something “unforgivable.” You would tell me how terrible of a friend or person I was. You threw in my face every time you were there for me, like we were keeping score.

So, you pushed me away, blocked me from everything and when I attempted to talk it out, you wouldn’t ever listen. If something didn’t benefit you, you wouldn’t hear it.

What I didn’t realize, was during our time apart, I was fine.

I have a tribe of amazing people.  That never judge me as harshly as you did.  I spent almost every weekend with these people, and they were incredible friends to me. I think your time here, around my tribe… caused a bit of jealousy in you. Maybe that was why you acted how you did.

Each time you blocked me from your life you, eventually, came back.

You missed our friendship.  You missed me. Our friendship was unlike any other you have had.
You, sometimes, apologized.

I took you back every time, because you were my best friend. You were my person.  I believed what you said. I ignored the red flags screaming in my face.

You were always the one coming back, it wasn’t me to initiate any of our make-ups. Like I said, I was fine. I lost track of the days it had been since we fought or last spoke, while you had always been tracking them.

I didn’t realize it at the time but I was just as happy without you.

Honestly, probably happier because I started having to walk on egg shells around you. Every conversation I would have to monitor myself…
Never knowing what little thing I would do or say, would piss you off and you would yell at me again about how terrible of a friend/person I am.

I didn’t see it.

I didn’t notice it.

I was trying to understand why I allowed his behavior so long, and let him control me and walk all over me, all while I was letting you treat me that way too.

It wasn’t until this last trip when you came into town.  I started to notice it. I had been in such a great place emotionally and mentally, that my eyes began to finally see. All of these little things that snuck in, became clear to me that they were unhealthy.

You would yell at me over little things.  You talked down to me, but always made it seem like a joke.

And then, there was the night.

During that day we were out with my closest friends drinking and watching football, and we ended up back at my apartment later that night.

We were both drunk but you were blacked out and gone.

I recall everything from that night except what caused our arguing to initially begin.
You said something terrible, that’s all I know.

I was so angry and upset with you, I yelled at you to “pack your shit and get out.”  I wanted you out of my apartment and my life.

I screamed at you to leave as I slammed my bedroom door and locked it.

You kicked it open so forcefully that there is a hole in my bedroom wall from where it slammed.
I pushed you to get out of my room, I told you to leave.

You shoved me, so hard across the room I hit the wall and knocked over the lamp on my bedside table. I just stayed on the floor.

I started crying, saying how I couldn’t believe you just shoved me.

Your response?

“You pushed me first.”

I yelled again, I wanted you OUT. I wanted you gone so bad, and you wouldn’t leave… you just kept yelling at me. I threatened to call 911 if you wouldn’t leave.

And then, you looked at me dead in my face and said:

“Oh, are you going to cry rape now?”

I lost it, I couldn’t catch my breath, I fell to the floor. Tears streamed down my face that I couldn’t even keep my eyes open. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate.

Full panic attack, and that moment must have slipped you from your anger as you realized what you said.

You hugged me and apologized. You started crying and sat on the bed with me. I had no words. I couldn’t comprehend what just happened.

After I calmed down, I just remember falling asleep. And waking up the next morning as you were still asleep next to me.

You woke up with zero recollection of the events that had transpired just hours before.

I reminded you of it all, from the shoving me to the abhorrent comment you said to me and you apologized profusely. You seemed like you felt pretty awful about it all.

I brushed it off.

You were drunk, you couldn’t help it. You were MY person. You didn’t mean it.

After you left and drove your way back home, I started processing what happened that weekend.

How you treated me, how you made me feel…and then how you talked to me and put your hands on me.

Had that been B… or ANY guy I was dating.  It would have been game over, immediately. I don’t tolerate physical abuse, or any abuse for that matter.

Why was this different?

It wasn’t.

It isn’t.

I don’t care if you black out. I don’t care what your excuse is.

I refuse to ever be treated like that.

I refuse to ever be talked to like that.

After the last year and all the abuse I dealt with, I have made a promise to myself that anything unhealthy or toxic, will not continue in my life.

You were supposed to be my person.

And now I don’t even know who you are.